


There's Comfort at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool

by henrydillmond



Category: White Collar
Genre: Keller's Perspective, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 03:32:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12974949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/henrydillmond/pseuds/henrydillmond
Summary: The relationship between Neal Caffrey and Matthew Keller is intricate and full of mystery, however the one thing that always rings true is how much Keller loves Neal. It's a vicious cycle of love and hurt, but in the end, Keller can't help but love him.----Keller's POV about his thoughts on Caffrey, prison, and how no matter what, Neal will forever be a constant in his life.





	There's Comfort at the Bottom of a Swimming Pool

Caffrey infuriates you. He’s maddening to the point of almost insanity. And you can’t always pinpoint what part of him angers you the most. Some days it’s his smile- the wicked grin that can make anyone, you included, melt-, and some days it's his eyes- beautiful blue like the ocean and just as dangerous-. He pulls at your heartstrings and pushes every button he can find, simultaneously pulling you closer and pushing you away. 

It’s maddening.

You’ve worked with- and against- Caffrey too many times to count. Each time it’s the same; you get pulled in to have some fun, only to drown in his too blue eyes. It’s a vicious cycle of love and hate and you can’t seem to stop. You’re a moth to his flame and every time you get burned. If you don’t leave with a broken heart, you leave in handcuffs, which is almost as worse. 

You love him too much to hurt him though, so you go for the next best things: his friends and that goddamn agent of his. The agent who in a manner of months managed to change Caffrey into something he’s not. He’s getting soft, even softer than before, and it’s infuriating. Infuriating to see someone who can be deadly as a tiger be changed into nothing but a harmless house cat. 

Of course, it’s not all bad. Caffrey’s involvement with the feds makes the challenges between you and him more invigorating, more rewarding. You’ve had more thrills in the past two years than ever before, including orchestrating a prison escape that even baffled Caffrey. And for the most part, that keeps you going; the fact that you still get pleasure out of besting him, out of watching his brilliant mind work overtime to try to save those closest to him as well as keeping you on your toes. 

A small part of you, however, can’t help but think of the past, when your rivalry with Caffrey was almost nonexistent. It was a partnership, a relationship behind closed doors; and it gave you purpose in life. The two of you took on the world together, stealing whatever you wanted and conning those who deserved it. It was a beautiful time if you’re being honest, but you know in your heart that it’s over. You pushed Caffrey to his limits, and no matter how hard you tried, there was no way of getting him back. Especially when Caffrey had fallen victim to the fed’s ways of righteousness and justice. 

So you dedicate yourself to being his rival; the black knight to his white. You do what he won’t - even if that means your hands get bloody. You’ve made peace with the blood that stains your soul, dedicating yourself to doing what you have to do in order to keep yourself in Caffrey’s sights. You won’t let him forget you, forget what you’ve been through together. 

You realize you must be crazy, to do what you’re doing just for the attention of one man, but there’s a small voice in the back of your head that validates and affirms what you know to be true. You love Neal Caffrey. You can feel it in your heartbeat whenever he’s near, a slightly faster thud hitting your ribcage over and over again. You’d happily drown in his too blue eyes, if it meant you got to see him in all his glory. 

But, you can’t. 

The time for love has passed, and while your heart's still beating, still bursting with love and admiration for him, you know that your circumstances won’t change. You’re both too far gone for love. Caffrey, being on the side of the good guys, and you, well, you’re not exactly a saint. The several murders, kidnappings, and heists to your name can attest to that. 

But you try anyways. You try to make him change his mind, to think of sharing a bed one last time, for old times sake. You try and you try and you try, most always failing, but you try. In your mind it’s worth it, you get to see him time after time - he even visits you in prison - and even though he can never be yours again, you can tell he’s happy. It burns you slightly, to know he’s happy without you and to be on the side of the Feds, but … he’s happy. And you can’t blame him for that. 

After all, deep down all you want is for him to be happy. And if that leaves you burned and in handcuffs for a few years, then so be it.


End file.
